**It is what it is **

Well sometimes like today, like most days. I feel like I'm dead already . What if I'm really dead already? What if I died maybe long time ago? let's say at 15 when life seemed like gold, it was all that glitters.

You know being dead is like being stupid, when you're dead ,You're unaware of the situation except for the people around you.

Maybe I'm not dead, maybe I am . Well sometimes, sometimes when I can't find logic .When I can't figure stuff out, I come to terms with my death, I fully accept that I am dead.

Sometimes I'd try to reach out to people, but they wouldn't come through for me. Which means I'm actually dead and the universe is trying to alert me, but, but I'm in denial .

I'd tell people I miss them but they would ignore me , again the universe would try to warn me. It would tell me “ you can't tell people you miss them, they can't hear you, hence it seems like they are ignoring you. You're dead “

Okay so, I'm not in heaven, definitely not in hell. Well they say in heaven, there's no pain ,no sorrow, no worries. And in hell, well they fry you up. Well I guess I'm waiting for the judgement day around the universe. Because yes I've had my share of sorrows, and they haven't fried me, so ,so I'm still around you guys. Around but dead, I'm not a ghost though but I am dead, maybe I'm not dead.

Even though I'm dead,I still have emotions, well If cold and empty are to be described as emotions then ,cold and empty it is .My heart is one hollow space, I guess that is how dead people are supposed to feel.

I guess the losses and rejections killed me, well those were powerful weapons when I was still alive. They'd suffocate me every now and then.If they'd come for me today, I'd win. I'd win because they have killed me already, now they can't do it twice.

Depression, well I used to talk to that guy, we'd fight for hours, days and weeks without people knowing .He'd strangle me, 2-4 fists on my face, oh my heart would sink to my stomach . He'd call me names, like “useless “, “weak” and how unworthy I am of people's love. He'd win because he was honest about on thing, which is, I was weak.

Today, I'm sure he's fighting with someone else because I'm dead, maybe not. If he's fighting with you, I'm sending love and light your way. Tell him you're stronger than him, that you're a warrior, he cannot defeat you. Do not be as weak as I was. If you believe in God, I'm an angel sent to tell you this. If you believe in ancestors, then your ancestors have sent me to you. Because I am dead, maybe not.

Sometimes in death too, there are better days, where you just lay there without worrying about life problems .You don't have the life, you can't possibly have problems when you dead and living.

This is confusing. It is what it is. I am dead. I am alive. Sometimes it feels like both, sometimes it's absolute death, sometimes I'm alive. By alive I mean staring at the wall, biting my cuticles, wishing life was different.

**It is what it is *